Life is Difficult - Embrace the Tough Times
Smooth seas do not make skilled sailors. (African proverb)
I have never shared this publicly (until now), and only a few people in the world know the backstory to my PhD journey: my wife Miwa, my PhD mentor Dr. Paula Fremont, and a fellow PhD classmate, Greg Austin (now Dr. Austin). I was somewhere in the middle of writing my dissertation (an original, book-length research project you write, defend before a faculty committee, and submit as the final requirement for your Doctor of Philosophy degree) when things started to unravel and my momentum ground to a halt. The setback delayed me by six months and nearly cost me my PhD degree.
Quiet Drive to Finish
There is something called ABD, which stands for "All But Dissertation." It describes PhD students who complete all of their coursework and comprehensive exams but, for whatever reason, never finish writing their dissertation (which can range from 60 to 250-plus pages; mine was 155) or defending it before a faculty committee. The label carries no official recognition and no degree is awarded, which makes it one of the most painful outcomes in academic life: a long, costly journey that brings you right to the edge of the finish line without letting you cross it. In American football terms, it is like driving all the way to your opponent's five-yard line, going for it on fourth down and goal, and coming up empty. So close, but no score.
When I began my PhD program in 2008, there was never a doubt in my mind that I would finish. It wasn’t arrogance; just a quiet determination to keep going until the work was done. Everything went smoothly and according to plan in the years leading up to my dissertation. I had been extremely productive and efficient, and was on track to complete the dissertation sometime in fall 2012.
Unexpected Disruptions
In early fall 2011 (around the time I was working to get my dissertation proposal approved by the department chair and the university), my wife and I moved back into my late parents' house so I could concentrate on finishing my dissertation. It was a generous and selfless act on their part, one I think about often now that they are gone. By then, we already knew about my mom's Alzheimer's diagnosis. She was in the middle stage of the disease, with behavior and mood changes that worsened in the evenings, a condition known as sundowning.
If you’ve ever loved someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia, you know how relentlessly cruel it is, both towards the person living with it and towards their loved ones. It is a disease that slowly robs a person of not only their memory, language, and ability to problem-solve, but also their ability to regulate emotions and behavior.
Five months after moving in, my parents suddenly asked us to move out. I now understand the culprit was not my mother, but rather her Alzheimer’s (which caused her erratic behaviors and mood swings). My older sister stepped up and offered us a house she had available for rent (we’d only need to pay for utilities and maintenance), which gave us some breathing room. Unfortunately, shortly after we moved into that rental home, we were again asked to move out. This time because another tenant would be moving in. So, once again we had to move, only this time it would be to Tokyo, Japan (where my wife’s family lives).
Support and Guidance
I remember being frantic in February 2012 and emailing my mentor about how my PhD plans were unraveling. She responded with exactly what I needed: calm support and steady guidance; encouraging me to break the work down into smaller, manageable steps so I could maintain the progress I had already made. And she did something that may have helped even more: she connected me with one of her PhD students.
That connection became a friendship with Greg, who was a few months ahead of me in the PhD dissertation journey. Hearing about his dissertation challenges and knowing that he was pushing through and making it work gave me real hope. We stayed in touch even after I moved to the other side of the world, and he never stopped encouraging me.
Finally, after eight months in Tokyo, I completed my dissertation. My oral defense took place over a video conference call in a tiny bedroom at around midnight Tokyo time (and ended at 1AM Tokyo time). After gaining approval from all three professors that night, and later on making some minor edits and submitting the final revision of the dissertation, I received my PhD diploma in June 2013. On the Dedications page of my dissertation, I thanked my wife Miwa and my Japanese brother-in-law Akikazu for their support, and dedicated the dissertation to them.
Embracing Difficulty
You might be wondering if I wish I had not gone through that difficult period. My answer is no. John C. Maxwell has written about the importance of embracing difficulty rather than resisting it. His argument is that life is hard, and hard is normal. Everything worth having requires an uphill climb. There’s no standing still. You’re either doing the difficult work of moving forward or you’re sliding backward.
If you want to achieve anything in life, you need to embrace the value of hard and accept that climbing is challenging, strenuous, difficult, and sometimes even grueling. You must be intentional, willful, and consistent to arrive anywhere worth going. -John C. Maxwell (2021)
When I look back on that season of my life, two things carried me through. The first was people: my wife Miwa, who has always been my rock; my mentor, Dr. Fremont, who met me in the chaos and helped me find a path forward; and Greg, whose friendship, support, and encouragement gave me hope when I needed it most. The second was mindset. At some point, I had to get over myself. I had to recognize that hard circumstances are not unique to me, and that I had no special claim on hardship or self-pity. That shift in mindset changed everything.
M. Scott Peck once observed that the moment we truly accept that life is difficult, it somehow becomes less so. I think that’s right. The suffering doesn’t disappear, but the resistance to it does. And that makes all the difference.
Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult—once we truly understand and accept it—then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. -M. Scott Peck (1978)
What’s more, Peck later clarified that, in addition to the pain that life sometimes brings, living can also bring joy after we’ve gotten past the pain.
The Road Less Traveled is filled with paradoxes. I wrote that “life is difficult because the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one.” But when I say that life is difficult, I'm not suggesting that it is never easy or rewarding. To say that life is difficult without qualifying the statement would be to subscribe to the idea that “life is difficult and then we die.” It is a simplistic and nihilistic notion. It discounts all beauty, goodness, opportunities for spiritual growth, serenity, and other wonderful aspects of living. Indeed, one of the mysterious and paradoxical realities is that in addition to the pain that life brings, living can be accompanied by an unfathomed joy once we get past the pain. -M. Scott Peck (1997)
Takeaway
Growth rarely comes from comfort. The most meaningful changes we experience, the ones that actually shape who we become, tend to arrive through difficulty. That is not a reason for despair. It is a reason to stop waiting for things to get easier and start looking for what the hard times are trying to teach you. The people who move forward are not the ones who avoided struggle. They are the ones who decided that the struggle was worth it.
Written By: Steve Nguyen, Ph.D.
Organizational & Leadership Development Leader
References
Maxwell, J.C. (2021). Leading In Tough Times: Overcome Even The Greatest Challenges With Courage And Confidence. Hachette Book Group.
Peck, M.S. (1978). The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth. Touchstone Book.
Peck, M.S. (1997). The Road Less Traveled & Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety. Touchstone Book.
